she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
this must be what syphilis tastes like
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
