College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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