I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
