If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
