I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
