im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
