why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
