it's not cheating when I paid for it
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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