Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
