I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
