CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
