So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize