Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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