I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
