Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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