Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
