sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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