so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
being pregnant is like rehab
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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