Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
