You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
