my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
