I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
