that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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