remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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