just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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