we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Vodka?
Forever.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
