theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
