I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
