Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
