I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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