i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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