I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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