Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
