He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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