My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
