Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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