Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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