at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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