i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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