We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
