You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
