Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
