Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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