this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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