I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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