Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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