Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
