Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
