dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
