Can i not drive my cunt home
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
