I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
