We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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