Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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