ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
