I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize