Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I enjoy the company of your penis
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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