Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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